Shadow Of Doubt
by Drea Jackman
Summary: After months at the SGC & a place on SG-1, Jonas thought he was happy. He had no idea all it would take to break him was their lack of trust in him. Now it falls to Sam to say the things that should never have gone unsaid for so long. [Tag Nightwalkers]


Shadow Of Doubt By Drea Jackman  
  
"Should we use these two as hosts?"  
  
"No," Sam said firmly and reached out to pull the hat on Teal'c's head up enough to reveal the mark of Apophis and the symbol of his former slavery. "This one is Jaffa."  
  
"Shol'va," the Sheriff interjected with a look of utter distain. "You should be serving your God."  
  
"Apophis the false God is dead," Teal'c said with great pleasure.  
  
"Really?"  
  
"What about this one?" the Sheriff continued, turning his attention to where Jonas sat, hands cuffed behind him to the back of the chair.  
  
"He's an alien," Sam replied. "The humans don't really trust him."  
  
Jonas tried to put a brave face on it, but he couldn't hide the look of hurt that crossed his features or the way he flinched at the coldness in her tone.  
  
Sam paid no attention to his discomfort and snatched up the nearest Zat gun, preparing it for action as she stepped forward to point it at Jonas' head.  
  
"We'll have to kill them."  
  
* * *  
  
He had tried so hard to fit in since taking up refuge on Earth, even harder to earn their trust and respect as a valued member of SG-1. Now that he'd lost probably his best friend to the Goa'uld, it hurt more than ever to realise that with the symbiotic in complete control could be speaking with a truth that Carter and the others had kept from him. After all he'd done, they still didn't trust him? Sitting alone in his quarters, Jonas mulled over everything that had happened to lead him to this point in his life.  
  
* * *  
  
Sam noted that Jonas was especially quiet on the return trip to the SGC. Since they'd arrived, he'd actually turned down dinner with the others in the Refectory, preferring instead to haul himself up in his quarters and close the door. She knew it was obviously because of what she'd said earlier. Perhaps hitting him had been too much, but extreme situations called for extreme measures. Still, it was unlike him to turn down a meal or be as shut off as he'd appeared on the journey.  
  
With a final sigh, she flipped the screen on her laptop down to close it and rubbed her eyes. It was a little after ten and they had a debriefing early the next morning. She supposed she'd just crash at the SGC for the night rather than waste time travelling home and back again in the so early in the morning. Yawning she glanced around the room and pushed the chair back from her desk. There was nothing else she could do to take her mind off it. She knew she couldn't put it off any longer. Rising slowly she left her office and turned in the direction of Jonas' quarters.  
  
A few minutes later, Sam stood in the corridor outside Jonas' living area and was surprised to find herself hesitant to knock on the door. Perhaps she'd be disturbing him or perhaps she'd be intruding on his space. Neither was something she wanted to do, especially not after the events of the latest mission. She'd come this far and if he really was hurt by what she'd said, she owed it to him to try and explain. Raising her hand slowly, she knocked on the door quietly.  
  
A few moments later and she was still standing there. No answer came and when she knocked again, she listened hard for any sounds of movement inside. When none came again, Sam opened the door slowly and stepped inside.  
  
It was dark, but she could still make out the layout of his quarters. The dresser and desk in the far corner, the bed just across the room and the chair in the corner opposite were all where she remembered them to be. Straining her eyes against the darkness she stood in the doorway, wary of going inside.  
  
"Jonas?"  
  
"Here," came the reply.  
  
As Sam stepped inside her eyes picked out Jonas' form rising from the bed to come greet her.  
  
"Sorry," she said quickly. "I didn't mean to intrude."  
  
Jonas raised a half sleepy hand up to rake through his dishevelled hair and stepped into the light streaming in through the doorway from the corridor outside.  
  
"It's okay, you're not."  
  
Sam closed the door behind her as Jonas reached for the bedside light and turned it on. As she turned to face him he looked around briefly as if not knowing how to begin. Sensing the awkward air in the room, she spoke up first.  
  
"Are you okay?" she said cautiously walking around to the bottom of his bed to give him more space.  
  
"Sure," he said matter-of-factly.  
  
"You know what happened back there, right?"  
  
"Of course."  
  
"What really happened, Jonas."  
  
"You mean the Goa'uld?" he asked, turning to face her.  
  
Sam could see that he looked physically tired. It troubled her more to see him that way.  
  
"What I said before, I had to make them believe I really was one of them," she tried to explain.  
  
"I get it, really, I do," he said cutting her off. He couldn't bear to hear anymore of how little they trusted him.  
  
"Did I hurt you?"  
  
"What?" Jonas asked a little too suddenly. Had she been reading his mind since she entered his quarters?  
  
"When I slapped you, did I hurt you? I really didn't mean to, I just had to make it convincing."  
  
She approached him slowly, eager to get everything out into the open. From the friendship she'd developed with Jonas over the past few months, she'd grown to respect him. To just leave him there feeling dejected and betrayed was more than she could stand. He didn't deserve it.  
  
"I understand." "When I said we didn't trust you, I didn't mean it."  
  
Jonas looked away at her words and Sam closed the distance between them to reach out and catch his arm. When she did so, he tried to avoid eye contact as she made him turn slowly to face her. If she saw the look in his eyes, she'd see it all and he wasn't ready, not yet.  
  
"It's funny," he said, slipping out of her grip to cross the room. More distance was a good thing for him right now.  
  
"What is?"  
  
If following his lead was the way to talk about things right now, Sam would follow. She turned to watch him approach the desk against the far wall opposite the foot of his bed and lean against it, his eyes still evading hers.  
  
"Being here. I still have nights where I wake up and wonder where I am, expecting to still be on Kelowna, but then those few seconds are over and I recognize the room."  
  
"I'm sorry," she said sincerely. She watched him for a few seconds as he stared at the floor between them, face expressionless.  
  
"I'm not."  
  
Sam looked at him confused. Jonas had held a high ranking job with his people where he'd been trusted and respected. More than that, it was his home. The way he was talking candidly now surprised her.  
  
"What they were trying to do, building that weapon, blaming Dr Jackson for their own mistakes . I couldn't have stayed. To do the right thing, I became a traitor . to come here."  
  
"You did the right thing."  
  
"Did I?"  
  
"Jonas, what is all this?" Sam asked and once again took a few steps closer in an attempt to close the distance between the two. Jonas had been a warm and positive person the entire time she'd known him. Granted she'd always thought there was something else deeper inside, but everyone had baggage they had to deal with and if he needed to, she was there. So was the team.  
  
"I shouldn't be feeling this way," he replied, finally daring to look her in the eye, from a distance hoping she couldn't read everything there was to be said in his eyes. "I betrayed my own people's trust to come here and you gave me a home. I can't expect to escape the consequences of that action. It doesn't matter what I say, or what I do. I don't have the right to ask for your trust."  
  
Sam's brow furrowed at his harsh words and everything was forgotten. Distance be damned was barely an afterthought as she walked toward him, features softening to offer the same comfort she hoped her words would.  
  
"Of course you do!" Her exclamation was hushed by the softened tone in her voice.  
  
Jonas looked down again, avoiding even the slightest glance in her direction as she took up a position leaning on the desktop beside him.  
  
"Everything you've said and done since you got here has mattered, every word and every action. Leaving your home the way you did took a lot of guts and there's not a soul here that doesn't respect you for it. We trust you with our lives every time we step through the Gate, and you can trust us with the same."  
  
At that point Jonas managed to turn and face her as she spoke. In the brief silence that followed, as he processed the rather heartfelt gesture she'd made to make him feel better, Sam thought of all the times he'd been knocked back from joining SG-1. All he'd wanted to do was help, feel as if he was pulling his weight and making up for what she suspected was more than just his people's lack of cooperation. He was trying to make up for Daniel.  
  
Realising that completely for the first time pained her. To imagine that Jonas had been carrying that kind of burden since he'd sought refuge on Earth was awful. Worse still, she remembered the occasion when he'd visited her, asking her to speak to Colonel O'Neill on his behalf, to help him make a difference by joining SG-1 when Jack had refused to hear him at all. She hadn't even mustered the effort to make him feel better, instead telling him in no tactful way, that it wasn't a very likely scenario. Where had her friendly support been then? Too wrapped up in the empty space Daniel's departure had left at the team's core to even see what was right in front of her. What made matters worse was the fact that she could still see the smile he'd given her in response. Accepting the rejection with the same ease he'd taken their unfair dismissal for months. And now she knew why.  
  
Here he was, seeking refuge on their planet and among their people when he'd betrayed his own to do it. How could he be deserving of shelter on their world? He couldn't bring Daniel back and he couldn't go back and take his place during the accident. He most certainly would never deserve a place on their team or people he could trust and call friend. If he ever did, he could never ask the same of them.  
  
"You have the right to ask for our trust, Jonas, but you'll never need to."  
  
"I just. I tried," Jonas mumbled quietly, pushing every word so that it wouldn't crack and make his resolve crumble.  
  
Jonas' hands were by his sides, holding the edge of the desk he leaned on. Sam slid her right hand out and covered his left. Talking at his own pace was a good thing, and she had time. When he felt the warm contact, his eyes shot down to see her hand protectively covering his, offering a presence he'd never been granted before, not even on Kelowna. Suddenly he didn't have the words anymore. One by one the walls cracked and crumbled and fell away. When his eyes met hers again, they bled tears of relief.  
  
"Oh, God," she sighed under hear breath as her heart broke at the sight of what she'd let happen. For the first time that night, there was no hesitance in her actions. She moved to comfort him, arms surrounding him where he sat and pulling him into a supportive hug. Giving up his home, living and feeling the way he had for this long, it was no small thing. The military lifestyle she led and the kind of travel that had become a daily occurrence had made it hard to appreciate the entire magnitude of what he'd done only a few months before. She should have known before now. long before.  
  
"I'm sorry, Jonas," she breathed, head settling on his shoulder. She felt him turn into her, head coming to rest on her shoulder in like fashion as his arms rose awkwardly to her waist holding her close. She was surprised how natural it felt to simply hold him, gently rocking them both back and forth to quell the storm. It went beyond natural, sharing that moment with him and being able to offer that kind of comfort openly and without hesitation. It felt right. "It should never have come to this . I'm so sorry."  
  
* * *  
  
When Sam awoke, she found herself wondering where she was as she lifted her head from the soft pillow beneath to glance around briefly. The room her eyes were beginning to make out in the dark was unfamiliar as her own for a few seconds. Then she felt a familiar hand in hers, and warm breath on her cheek and knew exactly where she was. She remembered sitting with Jonas for a long time and reading '00:21' from the clock on his nightstand. She remembered finally moving to call it a night; to separate from him and feeling his hand grip hers tightly. When she'd turned back, there had been something else in his eyes. No longer relief nor gratitude, but perhaps what he'd tried to hide from her a few hours before. He hadn't asked anything of her and she'd felt no obligation to stay.  
  
Laying her head back down on the pillow, she turned her attention back to the man whose bed she now shared. Jonas lay on his side facing her, eyes closed, his features calmed by the serenity of sleep. With a soft sigh, she closed her eyes and prepared to return to her slumber.  
  
When he had stopped her from leaving before, it had only been because he wasn't ready to be alone again. Sam understood that. Every step she'd managed to take toward the door had felt heavy and unnecessary. Seeing the same reflected in his eyes, she'd turned away from him and continued to walk.  
  
* * *  
  
Silently she led him passed the closed door toward his bed. Stopping at the bedside, she turned back to him, both sharing a moment as their eyes met. Sam went first, pulling the green, SGC issue shirt off her shoulders gently and letting it slide down her arms leaving only the standard black T- shirt that made up everyday wear at the facility and off-world. Jonas followed suit as she tossed it onto the chair nearby where it was soon covered by his. Next, she lowered herself down onto the bed and began to unlace her boots. When she was done, she kicked them aside and scooted over the bed to sit on the other side.  
  
Wordlessly, Jonas again followed her actions, resting heavily on the mattress as he leaned over to remove his boots. Finished, he looked over his shoulder to see Sam stretching out near the center of the bed, propping herself up on her right arm as she watched him. Perhaps she had seen the way he'd looked at her so many times before. Perhaps there would be something else beyond tonight, but none of it mattered at that moment. Tonight was all they needed for now. What lay beyond could wait.  
  
Jonas moved, leaning over to turn out the light and sliding across the impersonal, military-issue mattress. In the darkness he found her almost immediately, hand gripping his as securely as needed. It felt like she'd read his mind. The warmth from their joined hands filled them both and they relaxed, ready to let sleep claim them.  
  
Sam lay awake for a long time, listening as Jonas' breathing became steady and even. She mulled over everything as he slept peacefully beside her. In many ways he reminded her of Daniel, mostly because he was a good person. Although she'd called him friend for only a short time now, it suddenly felt like he'd always been there. She had to give Daniel credit, he was a good judge of character. It upset her deeply to know she'd failed to hear Jonas for so long, but now it didn't matter. She knew he understood that he could come to her with anything and that she'd always be able to forgive him the circumstance of his arrival into her life. Knowing they'd put their trust in him, not as a replacement for their ascended comrade, but as Jonas Quinn, their teammate and friend.  
  
Content with that understanding, Sam rested her head gently on the pillow next to Jonas. She closed her eyes, feeling the warmth of every rested breath blow gently across her lips. The last conscious thought she'd had was of how things would be different from now on and of how that filled her with a kind of lightness she hadn't felt in a long time. Surrounded by the warmth that came with that thought, she slowly drifted off to sleep.  
  
* * *  
  
Jonas didn't move when he felt Sam shift in the bed next to him. Listening to her obviously taking in her surroundings, he lay there for a while until she went back to sleep, eyes closed to an already darkened room, and delighted in her presence. He knew they'd never have to talk about it or try and explain the things that should have always gone unsaid. They wouldn't have to, not after tonight. It had happened, he'd hit breaking point, but when he fell, Sam had been there to catch him. The irony of just how sappy that sentiment sounded almost made him smile, but he was too tired; exhausted by a day that had been coming for a long time. Now it just felt nice to know there was actually something on the other side. Tomorrow would be very different from every other day he had spent on the Tau'ri thus far, for tonight was the first night he could truly call Earth his home.  
  
The End 


End file.
